How about we lose the pretense and make some realistic resolutions instead? I'll start.
Resolution 1
Make more — not less — annoying FB updates such as, "My kitchen floor is filthy and I don't want to wash it. I need a sister wife." Why not tell everyone how I really feel?
Resolution 2
Eat more chocolate and less vegetables. Vegetables give me heartburn — and I need those chocolate endorphins to keep me just a few steps ahead of the preschooler.
Check out these dark secrets>>
Resolution 3
Stop pretending to be on a diet and then gorging myself on my kids' leftovers. While some people can pass on grilled cheese crusts and dried mac and cheese leftovers, I find them irresistible.
Resolution 4
Quit attempting to channel Martha Stewart and accept the fact that my house looks like a HG reality TV horror story. If the stars are aligned this year, there just may be a reality show filmed in my living room.
If you are truly feeling motivated, teach your preschooler to pick up>>
Resolution 5
Quit lying to my kids. Yes, I love you and you are adorable in all your 5-year-old splendor, but please bring the earplugs because no, I really don't want to hear you sing The Wheels on the Bus one more time.
Resolution 6
Get over my irrational fear of wet socks and dirty countertops. To the best of my knowledge, no mom has ever become incapacitated by a bit of dirt or filth. Leave it be.
How to deal with your child's little white lies>>
Resolution 7
Think of some more creative excuses when calling into work sick. What? Who says I don't need the day off to mourn the untimely passing of my pet hamster?
Resolution 8
Give up on keeping up with the laundry and use more deodorant. In fact, buy deodorant for every member of the family, including the preschooler. Less laundry means a happier mommy.
Save yourself the trouble and teach your kids to do the laundry>>
Resolution 9
I will stop feeling guilty when dinner consists of string cheese and graham crackers with jam. Jam is a fruit, right? Point this out to your family.
Resolution 10
No more false pretenses in the bedroom — I don't have a headache. I'm just plain tired from the hours of Candy Land, chasing a toddler and picking up endless piles of stuff left lying around the house. But if you did the dishes, that might be a turn on… just sayin'.
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