Parenting as a rock star family

Kelly isn't just an awesome mom to two beautiful kids — she also co-parents with her husband, Ben Orum of the California-based metal band All Shall Perish. We chatted with her to find out what unique challenges a closely-knit rock star family has to face.

Kelly is like many moms — she has two happy and healthy children and enjoys a wide variety of activities in her California home. One aspect of their lives is a bit different from most of us, however. Her husband has a unique job — he’s a guitarist for the deathcore metal band, All Shall Perish. How do their lives differ from the rest of us, and how do they make time for family.

Growing up Kelly

SK: Where were you born and raised?

Kelly: I was born in the Bay Area and raised in a little town called Danville, which is an affluent suburb about 35 minutes east of San Francisco. I mention "affluent" because my family was not. I wouldn't say we were poor, but we weren't crazy wealthy like many of the people around us, and I feel like this really shaped who I was as a teenager. Of course, looking back I can see how much we benefited from being in a town that was safe, and had excellent schools. Staying in Danville, despite the cost of living, is something my mom really fought for, and I thank her for that.

SK: What is one of your favorite childhood memories?

Kelly: My maternal grandmother only lived about five minutes away from us, so we spent a lot of time at her house. My cousin lived with her. Summers were filled with playing in the backyard; swimming, gardening, pushing each other around on dollies. It was a very happy time and place.

SK: What sort of music did you like as a youngster?

Kelly: I liked a lot of typical kid's stuff, like New Kids on the Block. However, I was also really into Cyndi Lauper. I thought she was the coolest, and loved her style. My love of Cyndi was kind of the first indication that I was going to be on the more alternative side. I was 8 years old when the Guns N’ Roses album Appetite for Destruction came out. I was really into all of the late ’80s hair metal like Guns N’ Roses, Skid Row and Motley Crue.

SK: And as a teenager?

Kelly: In my early teens I was really into grunge. I had a boyfriend who was in an industrial band, so we listened to a lot of Skinny Puppy, Babyland, Pigface. A lot of obscure stuff. Around 15 is when I started going to shows a lot in Berkeley, California. We went because that was where our friends were. Thinking back, a lot of the bands were awful, but they were our friends so it didn't matter.

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Meeting Ben

SK: How did you meet Ben?

Kelly: Ben and I met in high school. He went to one of the schools in our small town, and I went to the other. I had met a lot of people from his school through our local youth center, which also put on shows at a building downtown. So we had a lot of mutual friends, and what we all had in common was being "misfits," "punks," and being into music that was less than mainstream.

SK: Was it love at first sight or did it take a while to develop?

Kelly: We met when we were 17, but didn't start dating until we were 21. So definitely not love at first sight! We were acquaintances, who became friends, and friendship evolved into love.

SK: What was your first date like?

Kelly: It's hard to really pinpoint a "first date" since we had been friends for so long. Our first kiss was at midnight, January 1, 2000. We were at a party at a friend's house, we were both single, but we were still just friends. The day we started "officially dating," his band had two shows, so I went to two of his shows that day.

All Shall Perish

SK: Was Ben in All Shall Perish before you got together or after?

Kelly: Ben was not in All Shall Perish when we started dating — he was in a band called Antagony. They did a tour with two other local bands in 2002. All Shall Perish was kind of born from that tour, and had members from all three of those bands. They signed with Nuclear Blast in 2005, who re-released their self-produced album Hate. Malice. Revenge. Since then they have written and recorded three more albums.

SK: What bands have they toured with?

Kelly: They have done so many tours at this point that it is really hard for me to remember! Some that stand out to me are Bleeding Through, Caliban and Suicide Silence. They've also toured with Danzig, were on the Mayhem Fest tour with Megadeth, and are about to do a tour with Hatebreed.

SK: What was it like before Grey was born? Did you tour with the band?

Kelly: I did go on a couple of tours before Grey was born. I did also go on a European tour after he was born. It was a really fun and exciting time in our lives. The band’s popularity was growing and each tour was getting bigger and bigger. The European tour was their first time playing in Europe, so it was really fun getting to experience that with them.

SK: What is it like being backstage at a metal show?

Kelly: Honestly, it can be pretty boring! Of course, there are days that are wild and crazy. There are always at least a few great stories from the road. For the most part, there is a lot of waiting around.

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Add in two kids

SK: Do your children understand that their dad is in a metal band?

Kelly: Grey is 6 years old, WinterRose is 2. Grey does understand that his daddy is in a band, but I don't think he understands that people actually listen to his band and come out to concerts to see him play.

SK: What does he think about it?

Kelly: He thinks that when the tour van comes, Daddy is going to be gone a long time. Kids have a very narrow and innocent view of the world, and that is his view.

SK: Have either of them been to a show?

Kelly: Yes. The have both been to shows. Not shocking that metal shows aren't the greatest environment for kids. Luckily, most people in other bands are very respectful of us and them when they are around. Despite how great everyone can be, I tend to get stressed out. Last time I took them to a show they watched the band play for about five minutes, got bored and wanted to go backstage.

SK: What influence have you and/or your kids had on the band?

Kelly: I am not sure that I have had any influence on the band, but Ben did write a song called "Greyson," after our son. It's an instrumental interlude and is very slow compared to the rest of the album it is on. Fans seem to love it.

SK: Have there been any unique issues with fans regarding you or your kiddos?

Kelly: We have had a few people tell us that they have named their child Greyson, either after our son, or after the song. It's kind of a trip, but is also flattering. Young metal parents, especially young metal fathers, tend to look up to Ben. We both think that is pretty cool.

SK: Do you ever worry about a fan becoming crazed and stalking you all?

Kelly: This isn't something I spend a lot of time being preoccupied about, but it is something I am cautious of. I don't tag my location on social media websites for this reason. A lot of my followers on Instagram are fans of the band. I'm sure 99 percent of them are harmless, but because of that 1 percent I don't tag my location or say the name of my kids' schools.

Going onwards

SK: What advice would you give to a mom whose partner is a hopeful in a band?

Kelly: You have to be supportive. You don't want to be the person who held your husband or boyfriend back. Ben has gotten to live his childhood dream. He's gotten to play at festivals in front of tens of thousands of people. All Shall Perish was the first American metal band to play in Siberia! Can you imagine if I had tried to squash his dream and his friends went on to have that experience without him?

On the flip side, don't become a doormat. I've seen guys let being a "rock star" go to their head. To me, Ben isn't a rock star. He is the father of my children, the guy I met in high school, the silly dude who loves Star Wars and silly cartoons. Playing guitar doesn't change any of that. It doesn't give you license to disrespect the woman in your life, or your children.

Lastly, you need be supportive of each other. You need to learn to communicate. It took many tours, and many tears for us to learn this lesson. I needed to learn to express my needs   and I had to learn what his needs were .

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